June 22, 1999
I'm in a strange melancholy type of mood. I don't feel like eating or doing much of anything. I really just want to jump in my car and ride. I just hooked a CD player in my phat ryde (yeah right, I have a Buick) and now my system is semi - cool. All man, I feel pretty sick also. I think I'm dying. Whenever I tell my friends "I think I'm dying". They usually ignore me because I've been saying that since the 9th grade in high school. Most people think I'm joking, but I'm serious. I honestly feel like my life is about to end. Depressing isn't it. I know I should cheer up; but I can't, I'm not a happy person by nature. I was born in a sick sad wold and that's where I shall remain. Now that was pretty depressing. Geez, I sound pretty bad off. But hey I'll deal; I've been dealing for 20 years now. You know what's funny. My dad found an old diary of mine from elementary school, and guess what? The pages were filled with nothing but self-loathing and hatred for everyone around me. I sure was a screwed up kid. I guess it's only right for me to grow into a screwed up adult. Okay, I figured it out! I don't want to be happy. I really don't. I don't know how to react when I'm happy. It's so foreign to me. It's like my body rejects any type of enjoyment. Maybe that's why I get so guilty after every wrong deed I do. Man, I have to end this so I can go kill myself. Okay, that was a joke. Seriously, don't get all concerned about me. I would never kill myself. I like to complain about how much my life sucks too much. Okay, well I would just like to thank you for letting me place a cloud in your regularly happy day. The last time I got like this, I locked myself in my bedroom with my computer and never slept. But I don't think it's that bad, this time. I mean, I do have to go to work and act civilized for at least 10 hours of the day. Okay, I'm making myself sick so I better shut up now.
I just noticed. This is entry 13...how perfect.
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